We cried

It's been awhile since I posted and it's not for a lack of trying or due to a lack of things to talk about. It mostly had to do with giving myself some time and space to process things recently. A lot has happened since my last post ... holiday season has started, a new president-elect has been chosen, my Panthers have continued to disappoint me, my Buckeyes have made me proud and my wallet has been emptied of hard earned money in an attempt to surprise my daughter with a mountain of gifts on Christmas morning. And in the midst of all that I continue to practice medicine day in and day out - some days good and others bad. This time of year the bad days seem to out number the good ones. The holiday season brings with it joy and happiness, but in veterinary medicine if often brings a large amount of sad stories, unfortunate accidents and too often to count, excrutiating decisions regarding patient care due to financial constraints of the holidays.

I follow other blogs online, mostly veterinary oriented because let's face it....the only people who can truly understand what we deal with is other people in this crazy field. I opened my email last week to see a blog post from A Vet's Guide to Life (http://avetsguidetolife.blogspot.com/). The title - "Death, death and more death". It was quite fitting to see this topic last week when I spent many days looking at my appointment book to see 2 or 3 scheduled euthanasias each day.  Most of these were not unexpected, a few being patients that I knew were drawing to the end of their lives but some were unplanned and decisions had to be made based on new information, new sickness or unfortunately lack of funds to care for the ailing pet. Even though I did not disagree with any of the choices that these owners made, it never makes the actual deed any easier. The hardest part of it all is having to compose oneself after these events and go on to the next appointment - whether that be a happy puppy or another sick pet. You have to pick yourself up, dust off the emotions of the last appointment and start over again in the next room. Exhausting to say the least.

I try to remind myself that I am helping to end the suffering of a patient and bring comfort to the family when they can no longer provide care for their pet - whether it be due to finances, quality of life or other unknown reasons. But to be honest, when you have to do several of these a day for several days in a row you want to just curl up in a ball and cry. Often I hear myself screaming in my head, 'this isn't why I went to school'. I went to school to make their lives better - to help these animals and their owners. To try to solve problems, cure illnesses, make patients happy again. And yes, euthanasia is part of that process.....just not my favorite part. It takes its toll on all of us.

The staff and I gathered around a particular case recently - a sweet labrador who was suffering from diabetes and pancreatitis. We couldn't manage to get either condition under control and more diagnostics revealed that she most likely had cancer contributing to her condition as well. Based on all this information her family made the tough choice to let her go. They wanted to remember her during her good times so they chose not to be with her at the end but I assured them that myself and the staff would be. The entire staff and I gathered around this sweet girl and treated her to a royal last meal - 2 slices of pumpkin pie, whipped cream, numerous buffalo wing flavored potato chips, chocolate candies and as many doggie treats as she could handle. I cried as I watched her enjoy this time with us - I cried not only for her, but for all the other animals I had to say goodbye to that week, for their families and a little for me. For the little piece of me that left with each and every patient I said 'see you later' to. The staff cried too....they may not have known what I was crying for but they knew it had to be big, cause truth be told, I just don't cry that often in front of them.  We all said our goodbyes as this sweet girl closed her eyes for the last time. Then we dusted ourselves off and did it again the next day......we look for the good in each day, even when it is difficult to see. Sometimes the good is simply the joy in a piece of pie..